It was never supposed to be like this.

I’m a junior now, but it all started in the sixth grade when I was first sexually assaulted. I was with a friend whose babysitter also babysat me. I started hanging out with the babysitter a lot because my mom was in and out of my life so much.

He started buying me things like my first bra. But he creeped me out when he would stare at me when I was getting in the pool and as I swam around.

He always insisted on me sitting on his lap and also seemed to grab and rub my thighs.

I became very uncomfortable and tried to tell my mom, but she always sent me back.

Richard changed my life forever.

On the last night, I spent at his house, I was laying down when he called for me in the kitchen. He told me to take the medicine that he had been giving me for quite some time. Three pills every night. I laid back on the couch and fell asleep pretty quickly. I woke up to something pulling at my underwear and immediately saw the clock in front of me. It read 12:01 am.  I realized it was Richard touching me, but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t fully wake up. I was freaking out on the inside, while on the outside I could not move. His hand slowly moved onward to touching my clitoris and finding his way inside my body. I fought as hard as I could to move and get away, but it seemed as though I had no control over my body and I was forced to just lay there. I fell back asleep.

When I woke up the next morning I couldn’t tell if what happened the night before was just a dream or reality. I acted as though nothing was wrong and got ready for school.

At school, I pretended as though nothing was wrong and continued on until I got to my aunt’s house after school and broke down in tears. I felt as though everything was caving in on me. I knew Richard was coming to pick me up, and I was scared to go back. I begged my aunt not to let me go back, and I finally told her all that happened. She had a police officer come talk to me and everything got crazy.

I had to talk to police officers, my school counselor, therapist, and other people who were just trying to help, but all they did was pry information out of me when I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

A little while after the report about Richard was made, my dad walked out on me telling me that he couldn’t handle it anymore. I was too much. I was a disgrace.

My case stayed open for four years until Richard finally got sentenced to two years in prison, and I was awarded $200,000 that Richard has to pay.

In Indiana, money seems to make up for a lost childhood.

When my dad walked out and I was emotionally unstable, everything in my life fell to pieces. I started having night terrors and refused to take the sleeping pills the doctor prescribed due to Richard giving me sleeping pills. I started missing school and not going out anymore. I started closing up and not talking to people as much. I became scared of men and did my best to avoid them.

It wasn’t until about a year after all of this stress caved in that I become more open to being around men and talking more. I was finally doing alright in life. I still did not find the closure I was looking for, but I was able to cope, just like I still am today.

Not only that but one day I will be an advocate for those in need. I am determined to help others get the closure they deserve, and hopefully one day I will find my own closure.

The closure I hope to find one day will bring me peace. I hope to one day understand why I had to go through all the hurt I did.  I will be able to leave it in the past.

One day, I hope to be able to fall asleep stress-free.